The world is on fire. I sincerely hope that you reading this, wherever you are, are taking care of yourself in the best ways you can. For me, that means preparing for the upcoming election on Nov. 3 and making a plan to vote, donating to support people fighting for justice, and volunteering with my favorite non-profit WriteGirl (which is currently looking for more volunteers, if you’re interested!). It also means letting my brain rest by parking it in front of hours and hours of Friends.
Friends is my macaroni and cheese. It’s comforting and basic and often times a big mound of goo that tastes blandly good. I started watching Friends when I was 10 years old, and its jokes and rhythms are deeply etched into my brain. Bits and pieces play on the broken record of my mind often. Lately, especially in the lead-up to today, Bi Visibility Day, I’ve been hearing the lyrics of a silly song Phoebe sings to a group of children in a Season 2 episode:
Sometimes men love women
Sometimes men love men
And then there are bisexuals
Though some just say they’re kidding themselves
I first heard that song as a child, just beginning to gain an understanding of what sexuality even is. I heard it again as I went through puberty and stifled my first crushes on girls, believing that they were just the result of my new hormones firing wildly all over the place. I heard it again as a teenager who pined for boys in skinny jeans, and the girl in my history class with the bright smile, and Patrick Dempsey and Robert Downey Jr — (I was really into stubbly 40-something-year-old celebrities at the time). I heard it as I “just experimented” with women in college, and as I secretly swiped through both men and women on dating apps, and as my fantasies and desires ran wild across the gender spectrum, and I heard it as I fell in love with a man. I heard it and internalized it, and I told myself I belonged at one end of the Kinsey Scale, even though I never felt I fit there just right. I heard it and told it to shut up when, in a core-shattering burst of tears, I finally came out as bi last year.
I often look to pop culture for guidance, and yet this is one area where pop culture failed me. This is no news flash to anybody with a marginalized identity. So many people, unfortunately, struggle to find themselves in the media they consume, and I feel very lucky to have found other aspects of myself in some beloved stories. But, some of my favorites also played a big role in keeping me in the closet for years.
Growing up, I heard Phoebe’s song, and I also heard the Sex and the City ladies freak the fuck out over Carrie (the most prudish sex writer to ever exist!) dating a bi guy. Later, on Sex and the City, when Samantha started dating a woman, the ladies once again freaked out about the fact that “Poof! She’s a lesbian,” completely ignoring the fact that she dated men for years before that relationship (and would date more men after it). She wasn’t a lesbian! She was bi! And that’s a valid identity!
The idea that a woman could easily “turn into a lesbian” seems to have been a common theme in 90s pop culture, particularly in the pop culture that was formative to me. There was Samantha, and then there was Maureen from Rent. One of the first lines of the musical comes in the form of a voicemail from Mark’s mom after Maureen dumped him for Joanne; “So let her be a lesbian,” Mark’s mom chirps.
And of course, there’s Friends. While Phoebe’s song is the one and only time I remember bisexuality explicitly mentioned on the show, I can’t help but also try to dig a little bi representation out of the lesbian punchline that kicked the whole series off: Ross’ ex Carol. There are some odd parallels between the Rent storyline and the Friends one: in both, a nebbishy Jewish guy from the New York suburbs is dumped when his partner suddenly “becomes a lesbian.” It turns the female characters’ sexuality into something dangerous, an antagonistic force against the sympathetic male main characters. For a while, I didn’t want to come out because I feared that my sexuality would be seen as a threat to my relationship. Because of examples like Maureen and Carol, I was worried that my coming out would be construed as some antagonistic force, when in reality all I wanted was to be a more honest version of myself so I could be a better partner. (Also, here’s where I shout out my partner for being the absolute best!)
I know that stories like Maureen and Carol’s do exist; people do come out as gay after years of expressing a sexual identity they don’t actually identify with. But, also, isn’t it possible that Maureen and Carol were bi women who simply realized Mark and Ross weren’t the right partners for them and then started dating someone new? When bisexuality isn’t treated as a real thing in media, it makes it hard for bisexual people to remember that they themselves are real.
I understand why pop culture depictions of bisexuality are lacking. Storytellers, especially ones who make TV and movies, like clear narratives and character details that can be easily visually conveyed. If you want to show that a character is straight, show them in a relationship with someone of a different gender; if you want to show they’re gay, give them a same-gender partner — it’s easy enough. But, how do you succinctly and clearly depict an identity that is defined by experience beyond what you see in front of you? An experience that is defined by the in-between?
In order to depict a bi character, there’s always got to be some sort of explanation involved, some acknowledgment that they’re not going through a “phase” or just “doing it for attention,” but that all the facets of their sexuality in the past, present, and future are valid. Unless you show someone with multiple partners at once (which plays into bi stereotypes of “greediness” and “promiscuity”), the only way to make it clear someone’s bi is to have them talk about it. That doesn’t always make for the most interesting TV, and it also can make bi characters (or real people, when they act that way in the real world) come off as annoying and trying too hard to shove their bi-ness in people’s faces. But how else do you make bi characters visible? How do you make it so bi people remember that they exist, something I had trouble grasping for so long?
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve encountered more and more positive portrayals of bi characters. It was while reading Red, White, and Royal Blue that I finally decided to stop angrily bottling up my feelings out of fear and decided to actually come out. I’m grateful to creators like R.O. Kwon and Becky Albertalli, who recently came out late in life and sparked a lot of conversations about bi visibility and queer representation. I’ve seen so many more empowering bi characters on TV in the last few years, like Petra on Jane the Virgin, Jay on Big Mouth, Abbi on Broad City, or Dex on Stumptown. I want more of that. I want more of characters saying who they are, so that the people watching them feel more empowered to do the same. I plan to create more of that in my work.
Today is Bi Visibility Day. I leave you with this video that does an amazing job explaining bi representation in pop culture, and with this absolutely beautiful guide from The Trevor Project. Oh, and the fact that I’m bi. I’m here, and I’m working on creating some new macaroni and cheese for new audiences, some macaroni and cheese that hopefully both comforts and validates people’s identities.
stuff i’ve made
I’m writing for Elite Daily again! You can check out my articles here.
I’m officially a member of the WGA (we love a good union!) and I couldn’t be happier. Hire me to write for your TV shows! Particularly, your female-driven and/or YA comedies and dramedies!
stuff i’m thinking about
We’re in the middle of the Jewish High Holidays, a time of reflection, forgiveness, and hope. Go easy on yourself.
Taylor Swift and the neverending search for a calming aesthetic.
Taking back ownership over our own bodies and images.
Practicing the discipline of hope.
stuff i’m loving
I May Destroy You (I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so revelatory before.)
this recipe for chicken-zucchini meatballs with feta
watching Christopher Guest movies (they’re almost all on Hulu!)
New York in the fall
Thanks for reading! If you like The Pop, you can click the heart at the top of this post on Substack or share it on social media or forward it to a friend — they can subscribe at thepop.substack.com. You can follow me on Twitter here and Instagram here, and learn more about my work at sarahhallecorey.com. And if you have any thoughts or feelings to share, feel free to reply to this email.