Something has changed within me. Something is not the same.
Okay, so I knew the Wicked movie would be a big deal for me. I was ten years old when the show opened on Broadway, and I was a theatre kid from Long Island; of course it was a huge deal to me. It was most of my personality for years and became a part of me, like a handprint on my heart, you might say. It kick-started an adolescence spent obsessing over YouTube bootlegs and Tumblr fan pages for not only Wicked, but for oh so many musicals, movies, and TV shows. I was a fangirl, and Wicked made me one.
Also, as a bespectacled nerd who (for some reason) wore my hair in a low ponytail every day of fifth grade and read by myself during lunch, I very nearly literally saw myself in Idina Menzel’s Elphaba.
So yes, of course, I knew the Wicked movie would be a big deal for me. But also, somehow, not so much. In the last few months, I’ve been distracted by grown-up real-life stuff, and I just wasn’t thinking about it much at all.
And then I saw the movie.
SPOILERS FOR THE WICKED MOVIE FOLLOW.
There’s so much to talk about. There’s Jon M. Chu’s exquisite direction, creating such an immersive cinematic world while also honoring the stage production in so many beautiful ways; it felt like coming home and seeing this story for the first time, all at once. There’s Cynthia Erivo’s perfect performance, especially her vulnerable and pure vocals throughout most of the movie until she lets it all out during the turning point of “Defying Gravity.” There’s the importance and power of having a Black actress play Elphaba. There’s Bowen Yang’s incredible adlibs. There’s the political urgency and potency of this story being told right now, at this point in history. There’s the tenderness and connection of the Ozdust Ballroom scene. There’s the power of stories that center women speaking their truth and sharing complicated female friendships. There’s the magic of the practical sets. There’s Ariana Grande’s beautifully nuanced performance, completely embodying Galinda. There’s Jonathan Bailey’s ecstatically bisexual portrayal of Fiyero. There’s the beautiful cameo from Idina and Kristin Chenoweth as they pass the torch to the next generation. But for now, I just want to talk about what it feels like to love this movie… the act of feeling and loving.
In the weeks leading up to the release of the Wicked movie, I was struck by the competitive fandom I kept seeing online. You know what I’m talking about. It’s the posts that begin with “only real ones will know…” or they’re just someone listing the many times they’ve seen the show. There’s this showboating that happens where people try to prove that they’re actually the biggest fan. And it can be annoying, but I also understand it. It’s just people inadequately trying to put words to big feelings. “Let me quantify the unquantifiable. Let me show you how much I love,” they’re trying to say. “Let me prove to you how deeply felt my feelings really are.”
But none of us can ever properly prove those feelings, and that’s okay. Being a fan is such a personal experience, that it’s often difficult to articulate the big feelings. I cried throughout the movie, but my biggest tears came during the credits as I sat, stunned, and simply repeated between sobs, “It’s so good.” I couldn’t come up with any more words. When something hits you deeply, you don’t have to. You simply feel it.
Elphaba derives her power from feeling things strongly, from her feelings about injustice boiling up out of her. “Do you think I want to care this much?” she asks Fiyero at one point. But by the end of the movie, she fully embraces her power, trusts her instincts and leaps.
Life has been hard lately, for so many of us, for so many reasons. For me, there’s been both macro and micro hardships that have made me feel disconnected from myself for a while. But to watch the Wicked movie and see a woman come into her own and explode with heartfelt, sensitive power on such a grand scale… well, it reawakened something in me. As I watched Elphaba reach out to her younger self during “Defying Gravity,” I too felt a return to myself, to my inner child who believed and sang and felt so purely.
I know this is perhaps cringingly earnest, but that’s a big part of what I’m embracing. What a gift it is to love, to connect, to feel things deeply. To cry on a press tour because you’re so invested in your work, to have the power to fly because you empathize so much, to sing because it’s the only way to let it all out. Being a fan of something gives you the freedom to feel deeply, and then we can take those feelings and translate them into action and creation out in the real world. We need fandoms; they fuel something in us to make real life matter even more. Oh, it feels good to feel.
So, if you care to find me, look to the Western sky…
stuff i’m thinking about
“Healing fiction” as a salve for our weary hearts and minds.
The delulu fun of celebrity lookalike contests.
An empowering perspective from a reproductive justice pioneer.
stuff i’m loving
Colin From Accounts. I’d heard great things about this rom-com TV series for a while, and I’m so happy I finally jumped in!
Books!
Ready or Not by Cara Bastone
Perfect Fit by Clare Gilmore
A Holly Jolly Ever After by Julie Murphy and Sierra Simone
This lemony white bean soup recipe. It’s become a cold-weather staple in our house and is really customizable. Sub in chicken, add pasta, play around with the herbs… It’s super easy and comforting.
I’m showing immense restraint by only including one Wicked-related video here, but please enjoy this video of director Jon M. Chu and cinematographer Alice Brooks breaking down “Dancing Through Life.”
See you at the Ozdust Ballroom.